Tackling Motherhood without My Mother

Some days, I feel so overwhelmed by my thoughts that I feel like I can’t even take a moment to write them out. 1000 thoughts rush through my head and when I’m in this frame of mind my thoughts never come out right.

Last night was one of those nights when I was consumed by guilt and my racing thoughts. I was shouting at my daughter earlier that evening because she stole someone’s bubble gum from camp. I was so outraged because a) thiFacebook Pages isn’t the first time it has happened and b) she would not tell me the truth for anything!

I took a step back and reflected on my behaviour after I buffed the “naughty” out of her. Tears ran down my face as I sat there totally consumed by regret.  I regretted the way in which I spoke to her the most, yes what she did was wrong ,but as the adult – I was  SO wrong to shout and buff . I was SO wrong to use scaring tactics to get her to admit the truth. All my shouting achieved in that moment was ,scaring her little heart and breaking her spirit.

This thing called MOTHERHOOD has really been , and still continues to be a challenging journey for me. After I cried it all out , I spoke with another mom blogger that I admire greatly – she gave me some advice on how to handle the situation.

I don’t think she realizes what a big help she is to me, and how much I admire her and the way she does this parenting thing.

Her advice to me was , to focus on getting my daughter to be honest with me – and once she is honest there will be no buffing or shouting. Her honesty should be celebrated .

Long story short- her advice worked! For one of the first times in my motherhood life- I felt like I had this parenting thing under control! I would have handled it so differently without that advice.

I remembered when I was a child I would lie about every and anything , even into my teens I would hide all my boyfriend’s from my dad and sneak to do anything I wanted.     ” No you can’t ” meant nothing to me , if anything it was more encouragement for me TO DO IT!

I was seriously misguided as a child and I am so fearful that
my daughter will end up the same way.  The sneaky ways concern me and I try with all my might to keep communication as open and honest as possible between us – to avoid raising another mini me.

But I can’t help but have my doubts and ask myself if I’m doing this thing right.

Motherhood came with no manual and furthermore it came with no mother of my own to guide me along the way.

Oh how I am learning that it is a whole lot more than just taking cute selfies and uploading them to Facebook. It take’s a lot of patience , a lot of responsibility, a lot of repetition , a lot of communication , a lot of good examples , and a lot of love.

All of which I felt like I lacked my whole life. I remember when I was 14 and decided to shave my legs for the first time, I was unaware I had to bend my legs to shave them, and ended up slicing off a big chunk of skin. These are tiny, minuscule moments in my life, but for some reason these are the ones I remember the most.

Why do I remember them the most? Cause those are things I feel like only a mother can teach you. They teach you the little tricks of the trade to being a lady. 

I don’t want my daughter to feel lost and misguided like I did. A motherless world is all I’ve ever known, and I would do anything to save her from that.

It’s funny – that in my 26 years of life I never really noticed and understood the significance and importance of a mother ,until of course,  I became one myself.

I’m grateful for the role model mothers that are in my life today ,they are role models to me without even knowing it!  Without them I would feel totally lost.

SO to all the moms that openly share their journey – to you I say  a heartfelt thank you!

You give this motherless mother heaps of hope!

You give me the reassurance and faith that even though I lacked guidance I still….

GOT THIS!

 

Thanks for reading and don’t forget to like & share!

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I wish I could have saved her (Full Version)

*Trigger Warning*

The story I’m about to tell may be triggering for some people. I often ask myself what exactly is a trigger warning. Something you may not know about me, is that I am a co-founder of a mental health online support group. From the moment I joined I felt compelled to share my journey of loss and somehow still try to be a voice of hope.                                                                             If it wasn’t for this group, I would have NEVER embarked on the journey to find out more about my Mom.

Very often we are asked to place “Trigger Warning’s” on things that people share within our group. The group makes up 4,000 plus members and no two people are the same.

Every one of us is uniquely made and have gone through different life experiences – What may trigger you, may not trigger someone else. I think there’s a thin line between feeling uncomfortable vs feeling triggered.

I looked into it a bit, and what I’ve come to learn is that although there is no official definition for what a trigger warning is, it’s broadly defined as a heads up about the content you are sharing and the effect it may have on someone with a history of trauma.

Trauma can be caused by so many things:

  • Rape
  • Domestic violence
  • Natural disasters
  • Severe illness or injury as well as Self injury
  • The death of a loved one
  • Witnessing an act of violence

So if you were a victim to any of these things, then this trigger warning is for you. Proceed with caution.

My trauma was lead on by the death of my mother. Not only was it caused by her death, but I feel like what lead to her death has made an even bigger impact on me. She died BY suicide, she did not COMMIT suicide. There’s a residue of shame that follows the word “commit” as though it was a criminal act. She is not a criminal!  Absolutely no shame should be attached to her journey of tremendous suffering. Her mind was unwell. Unwell to the point where every ounce of hope was lost. You may not have seen it from the outside looking in, but her heart ached and the horrid thoughts of her past tormented her.

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I remember someone telling me once, that because I lost my mother to suicide she would never be welcomed into heaven, because it was a sin. Those words hurt to my very core.I beg to differ. I differ because I feel her in my life, I differ because my faith carries me every day, and every day I gain a little more strength along the way.

My dad tried, as best as he could, to save her from her demons. He arranged for her to see a psychiatrist every Wednesday evening. The week before her death she lied and said she went, but he discovered after that she never did.

Oh how I wish I could have saved her! When I really miss her I often wish she would have stuck around until I was a little older. I feel like we could have faced the world hand in hand.

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Who knew, that ONE day in my life would change it FOREVER.

My dad left my brother and sister at the birthday party, thinking he would be back soon. When we reached to the house, and there was a different stillness in the air – he called out to my mom a couple of times.

“Kath , Kath!” he yelled but got no response. He ran through the house, and there was nothing. His fear and panic built, as a thousand questions ran through his mind.

He went to the bathroom door, turned the knob again and again, it was locked. He tried to pry it open, but with no luck.

My dad called his mom and asked her to phone my cousin, because he knew something was not right. My cousin was my dad’s right hand back in those days. She received the call from my grandmother, and rushed out her house. On her way there strangely enough, she noticed that they were following an ambulance. That said ambulance, was headed to my home. I can’t imagine how my cousin must have felt when that reality struck.

My dad had finally found my mom at this point. He went to the back of the house where there was a window looking into the bathroom. He climbed up to peek inside and there she was, lying on the ground in a semi-conscious state. He immediately ran inside and with a force , that only God could have given him, knocked down the door.

She lay on the bathroom floor frothing. It appeared that she had ingested something toxic – which we later learned from several autopsies was a weedicide and she had also overdosed on blood pressure tablets. She still had a pulse when she was on the bathroom floor, so they rushed her to the hospital, where they tried to resuscitate her. They tried to shock her, “almost flat-lined”, heart but couldn’t get it going again.

That was it, she was gone.

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Before she took her final breath at the hospital, one of my aunt’s went into the room to say her goodbyes, and prayed the Act of Contrition with her.

O, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you. I detest all my sins because of your just punishment, but most of all because they offend you, my God, who are all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Your grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin.

After saying this my aunt whispered in her ears a promise, a promise of hope, that she will always be there for her baby girl, and she will take up the responsibility and never leave my side. She kept her word, because to this day, we are still very close.

We left the hospital that day, and being only 18 months old, I wouldn’t have understood what was going on and why I was in the hospital, but like I told you before energy is a crazy thing.                                               

When we were about to walk out, I MUST HAVE sensed something.

I extended my tiny arms, and called out

“Mama, Mama!”

Mama never came back that day.

Since then the impact it has had on my life has been immeasurable. Sure my father has been present, and did his best, but you NEVER stop longing to feel your mother’s love. I think at many stages of my life I was almost screaming out for her love.

A love that I’ve grown to realize that even though I may never feel physically, it has always been within me.

“There is something about losing your mother that is permanent and inexpressable – a wound that will never quite heal.” – Susan Wiggs 

 

I wish I could have saved her

*Trigger Warning*

The story I’m about to tell may be triggering for some people. I often ask myself what exactly a trigger warning is. Something you may not know about me, is that I am a co-founder of a mental health online support group. From the moment I joined I felt compelled to share my journey of loss and somehow still try to be a voice of hope.

If it wasn’t for this group, I would have NEVER embarked on the journey to find out more about my Mom.

However very often we are asked to place “Trigger Warning’s” on things that people share within our group. The group makes up 4,000 plus members and no two people are the same. Every one of us is uniquely made and have gone through different life experiences. What may trigger you, may not trigger someone else.

I think there’s a thin line between feeling uncomfortable vs feeling triggered.

I looked into the word a bit, and what I’ve come to learn is that although there is no official definition for what a trigger warning is , it’s broadly defined as a heads up about the content you are sharing and the effect it may have on someone with a history of trauma.

Trauma can be caused by so many things:

  • Rape
  • Domestic violence
  • Natural disasters
  • Severe illness or injury as well as Self injury
  • The death of a loved one
  • Witnessing an act of violence

My trauma, was lead on by the death of my mother. Not only is it just caused by her death, but I feel like what lead her to her death has made an even bigger impact on me. She died by suicide, she did not COMMIT suicide. There’s a residue of shame that follows the word “commit” as though it was a criminal act. She’s not a criminal! Absolutely no shame should be attached to her journey of tremendous suffering.Her mind was unwell. Unwell to the point where every ounce of hope was lost. You may not have seen it from the outside looking in, but her heart ached and the horrid thoughts of her past tormented her.

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I remember someone telling me once, that because I lost my mother to suicide she would never be welcomed into heaven, because it was a sin. Those words hurt to my very core, but I beg to differ. I differ because I feel her in my life, I differ because my faith carries me every day, and every day I gain a little more strength along the way.

My dad tried, as best as he could to save her from her demons. He arranged for her to see a psychiatrist every Wednesday evening. The week before her death she would lie and say she was going, but he discovered after that she never went.

Oh how I wish I could have saved her! When I really miss her I often wish she would have stuck around until I was a little older. I feel like we could have faced the world hand in hand.

But life is much more than wishes, and God has his plans for each and every one of us.

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“The fact that our heart yearns for something Earth can’t supply is PROOF that HEAVEN must be our home.” – C.S Lewis

 

 

Dear Mom in Heaven – I can’t help but wonder

Dear Mom,

 

To say I think about you all the time , is an understatement. I think of you each and every passing day. Not on purpose or anything but my mind often wanders of the strangest things like , what you would have looked like today – you left this earth when you were only 21 so I can’t help but ask myself silly questions like –

“Would you have wrinkles now?”                                                                                               “Any grey hair?”

Dad says I would have been different if you were around, and I can’t help but wonder how much different? I’ve made it through many years without you by my side ,feels like a century really – and I often wonder if you are looking down , proud of your little girl.

I know I had a lot of slip-ups growing up, and found myself a long paths with many “dead ends” , I wonder if that would have been different if you were around. Either way you remain my driving force for all that I have become today, all of those slip-ups had a part to play and moulded me into the woman & mother I am.

Growing up without you was hard, but being a mother without you around ,has proven to be 100 times more difficult. I don’t mean to discredit the women in my life that I know you sent my way to look up to as a motherly figure , but somehow there is still an empty space, a puzzle piece that has seem to vanished forever. There have been times though that you have sent them to me in the most crucial, terrifying moments, it’s crazy how present you are even though you aren’t really here.

The day after I gave birth , I was exhausted , overwhelmed and terrified with a new born baby on my hands – I know it was you that sent your sister , and she offered to stay with me in the hospital the entire night. I know it was you ,that sent the whole support system I had during my pregnancy and after, because God knows how I needed them.

I know it was you , that sent the people that you loved to take care of me, and guide me through the entire process. History has a way of repeating itself and isn’t it amazing that the same people that were present in the delivery room when you were giving birth to me, are the SAME ones that were there with me.

Thank you for that Mom.

Your granddaughter talks about you , I try my very best to keep your memory alive and not shy away from any questions she may have. I think she is a lot like you, super dramatic , and imaginative and she loves to read. I saw a picture of you when you were her age and thought y’all looked almost identical. It spooked me out a bit. Genes are a powerful thing.

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Mom to the left , my daughter on the right 

The mother thing took me a while to catch onto ,and honestly I’m still learning, but before, I think I was so caught up trying to live the life that I had before, it could have been denial maybe – but once again I know you brought certain situations my way to help me grow from that. Everyday I watch her grow, and it is a reminder of how fast time slips away. I’ve seen growth within myself to, so even though I am without you, you are there. I just know it.

Anyways. this was fun..

Maybe I’ll do this again soon.

Watch over us always Mom,

Love you.  

Your little girl                                                                                                                                     xoxxo

 

 

The Signs that No One Saw

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I’ve realized there’s no way I can squeeze this story into one blog post, so I’ve decided to take my time and share it bit by bit.

So here goes…

There are so many different versions of this story, and to be completely honest most of them I don’t even have the energy to untangle.

Basically I’ve realized that people will make their own assumptions in life and who am I to tell them any differently?

*thinks pensively to myself* ………….

I am my mother’s daughter 😉

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Even though the story I’m about to tell is not from my own knowledge, I can speak of the bond and connection I feel with my mother and what close friends & family members of hers told me happened that day.

I try to bare in mind that a person’s memory has a way to sometimes be selective ..it’s strange, it can make you confidently believe things that you can very easily be confusing with another memory.

Which is why I’ve asked more than one person what happened and basically formulated my own truth – I may be blurry on minor details but in my heart I know that this is the truth. The truth that I have grown to accept & understand.

It was June 13th 1992 ,a seemingly normal Saturday afternoon,everyone was at home.  My sister, my brother and I had a party to go to that evening , something my mom was always very willing and eager to take us to, but on that day she said she wasn’t feeling very well.

My sister was very young back then but she did say that in retrospect it was very strange of her to flunk out on a birthday party.

Anyways, she got everyone dressed and ready to go & explained to my dad & my siblings why she wasn’t going  – I know my dad was probably reluctant to go without her because it was so not in her nature & I can’t imagine him functioning too well rolling solo to a children’s birthday party with three kids, but he complied.

The home I grew up in, had a very open concept type porch outside, which extended to basically the best childhood backyard any kid could ever dream of having. My mom,my siblings, & I went to the porch after getting dressed, and when they were about to bend the corner that lead to the driveway- she held each of their hands & said,

“Be Strong. I love you”

We continued to the car and when we got in , she told my siblings goodbye, and before walking away ,she placed her palm on top my tiny forehead, almost as though she was saying an inner prayer ,closed the car door and walked inside through the garage.

She stood with a very drawn out, lifeless look , with her hands hanging out the wrought iron gate, whimpishly waving goodbye.

We drove out the driveway and headed to the party , they described it to be one awesome event. I ended up falling asleep mid-way through it and my dad told my brother & sister he was going to take me home.

I definitely believe in energy , and I know there was a reason I fell asleep , and also a reason for my dad wanting to take me home – in the back of his mind he was probably thinking to himself let me try to convince Kath to come to this party & knowing her she would have.

Unfortunately , that wasn’t how the day ended.

 

*To Be Continued*

 

People don’t die from suicide – they die from sadness.

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So I’ve been taking my time to spill the beans on the details of my mother’s death, it’s taking more out of me then I expected it would.

I thought I would use this time to give you all my view of suicide.

Many people view suicide as a selfish act – but I feel very differently about it.

I must say I agreed with the “selfish act” term when I was a lot younger. I naturally, like any child would, thought it was soooo SELFISH of my mother to leave me on this earth. How could she?!?!

I know now, that the mindset I had then , of feeling literally cheated by my own mother… that, that very mindset did nothing for me. It left me with this emptiness, and only stirred up more and more anger within me, anger that I suppressed for many many years.

I’ve done some research , not only on my mother’s death but also on the act of suicide and this is why I no longer see it as a selfish act.

People that are suicidal feel absolutely useless – they have this twisted belief that the world will be a better place without them. They really,genuinely believe this…

They feel trapped – mentally, physically and in every other way possible.

I feel as though most suicides are driven by a flash flood of strong emotions, it’s this feeling of wanting to escape from one self because your mind is over flowing with irrational thoughts and emotions.

I feel like “self blame” & “condemnation of the self” is a common denominator in suicides, they feel as though they will never be good enough – almost like an inconvenience to their friends & family.

Have I ever felt suicidal?

Oh , 100% absolutely!

I’m not sure why but I also have this belief that MOST people have felt this way at least once in their lifetime.

I remember being so overwhelmed with anger as a preteen , that I would write notes and slip it under my door – letting my dad know I wanted to kill myself the same way my mother did. I felt that way deep inside but never had the balls to actually do it.

I have felt this way when I’ve been at my lowest … and I’m sure some of you have to.

Suicide to me is just like any other illness. Similar to Cancer, diabetes etc.

But when your mind is sick there are no physical concrete signs – so we never address it as seriously as a physical ailment and keep on sweeping it under the rug.

Until that person is gone, and suddenly we are all searching for the “signs”

Don’t wait until it’s too late. Know the signs, and know when someone is crying out for help even with the biggest smile painted across their faces.

Suicidal people are very good at putting up a front and wearing these masks.

Be someone that genuinely cares of the well-being of others , you never know whose life it may change. Be a light of hope , in a world full of self doubt & animosity.

 

 

The years leading upto her death

This particular post took me some time , I didn’t want to jot down major points because I know I would become overwhelmed with emotion , I just wanted it to flow so here’s what I’ve come to learn about my mom , her death and the days leading up to it.

My mom was born & raised in South Trinidad. She attended one of the best schools- Naparima Girls in her teenage years.image

She came from an extremely broken home but despite those demons she excelled in drama & the arts . She enrolled in a few school plays and did an unforgettable performance of  “Lisa Lisa – All Cried Out”  and the “Jesus Christ Superstar – I don’t know how to love him” play.image

All the guys loved her and she was the “hot ting” in her day , which Ofcourse came with some repercussions.

Jealousy sparked and rumors spread and the name calling began. She searched for love in all the wrong men and ended up completely broken in the end.

She met this guy to whom she believed was her “first true love” but to me , he was a devil in disguise . He rode a motorbike and apparently had one arm .. Anyways , somehow or another my mom though he was Mr. Right.

image.jpegOne night they set out on a teenager adventure and found themselves at an abandoned spot where they were opposed by a group of men ; who proceeded to gang rape my mother – apparently home boy “Romeo” had his motorbike nearby and left my mom there to fend for herself.

Days later she had a complete breakdown in the school hall – she couldn’t take the he say , she say’s that were spreading like wild fire. Girls were saying the most vicious things about her because she was raped!

Yeah… A lot to take in but if I’m going to share what I know , I need to share what she endured , and how much she tried to shake these demons off ,even from the very beginning.

She grew tired and overwhelmed by  her hometown, but still she  tried again and again to start anew & landed herself a leading role in a big local film “Sugar Can Arrows”

I believe she graduated from  school soon after – and set out looking for a job. She started working for my dad soon after at a telecommunications business he had at the time , she was drop dead gorgeous and if you knew my dad ,you would know a beautiful woman is his #1 weakness .

imageHe was quickly swept off his feet by her beauty and in no time my mom was on his radar and with enough sweet talk , and wining and dining she eventually moved in with him – my dad had three children from a previous marriage at the time .

My mother grew to love them dearly as her own, each of them held a special place in her heart. From what I have grown to understand my mother told her mom she was staying with a friend in Port of Spain ,they never had the best relationship and so she began building this new life, set out to start a fresh ..

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She had moments during this transitioning period that her past seemed to constantly come back to haunt her, she started seeing a therapist to try and work through her trauma and horrifying flash backs.

She battled through it and tried to maintain a bright smile. No one would have ever known the pain she felt inside. She took on the role of being a step mother to both my brother & sister. She took them to every birthday party , every school  practice , sports day , ballet practice etc.

Not long after this is when I came into the picture …She got pregnant soon after with me!

 

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There is no doubt in my mind that my mother loved my father dearly and Vici versa but amidst the grounds of their common law relationship , infidelity spewed , spiteful words spoken….

And to top it all off a baby on the way.

Truth be told we are all human and the last time I checked infidelity is not the cause of suicide. She was already damaged but tried to keep a cool, calm visage.

9 months soon came to pass and her baby girl was born , healthy , and happy. It was a trying time in her life ; as it is with any new mother but none the less she was elated to have this baby and took great pride in me – I was always glued to her hip ; and it apparently was a funny sight because she was so tiny, extremely petite and I was this chubby Buddha baby.

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K so can we fast forward to the actual day of the event ?

this is where I will interject and give that trigger warning…

 

Be sure to share my blog .

Thank you for reading! 

We are only just getting started !

What happened that day…

Kathryn Squance

All my life I’ve felt robbed , like I was dealt an unfair hand of cards in this journey called life. Usually when people lose their mom – they usually have a bank full of memories because they are old enough to recall them, to some it feels like they lost their mom just yesterday .

I feel like I’m a little different , actually I feel a lot different. I lost my mom when I was 18 months – I was her only child , and the memories I have are based on other people’s stories of her , I have no real , concrete memories of my own and that always made me feel like a stranger birthed me. My mother’s mother – my grandmother was never actively in my life , and I felt very disconnected from my maternal background.

But then I remember the ways in which my father always tried to keep her memory alive for me, this lady seemed  truly special – he made the greatest effort to make me feel like she was not some stranger , and constantly reassured me that she was always with me. We would kneel and prayer to her EVERYNIGHT, he would take me to visit her grave often, he would include her in all of his Santa , tooth fairy and Easter bunny letters, being sure to remind me how unhappy it made mom when I was rude & untidy. He kept lots of albums and home videos of her around the house …

I felt like he included her in my life in very thoughtful ways but he feared having that dreadful talk of what actually happened …and because of that I felt like I never actually knew.

I was a child , and the word suicide would’ve meant very little to me at the time – but from what I gathered she swallowed something poisonous and slipped in the shower , and so that is what I repeated – whenever I was asked.

I would say it in the most expression less way and it always left people looking quite baffled, and so I would respond

“It doesn’t matter I didn’t even know her .. I was just a baby”

Oh how I have learnt , that it did matter .

Much later into my adulthood life I decided to ask the questions I felt were necessary – not just to my father but to anyone who may have had a relationship with my mother .

I didn’t want his version of her alone – I wanted everyone’s version…

so from all the questions asked this is what I have gathered happened that day…

 

*To be Continued*

The daughter she left behind…

So where do I EVEN begin…I guess a good place to start would be to give you all some insight to how I ended up in the situation I am in today, right?
I am only able to tell this story , because I’ve been gathering , memories, pictures and other people’s stories and facts of my mother for some time, it was my way to gain a better understanding of her, as I’ve always had this lost feeling inside..and I simply had enough of it.
I was not in denial – I knew she was never coming back in the physical ..but i NEEDED to know who she was, to help foster my purpose in this life, so I set off on an unforgettable journey..
I had albums full of pictures but no memory of her , I had stories with no real explanations.
A big piece of my puzzle was missing from my life and I had a hard time coming to terms with this fact.
I always felt a little sheltered as a child – and as though people over compensated for me because of my unique disposition. I was quite frankly put – spoilt rotten.
If I asked for a dolphin – it would have been given to me on a silver platter, my world was filled with physical items to the point where my reality was warped – I guess the toys, and gifts served as a great distraction at the time..but in my adult life I’ve realized that maybe it did more damage to me than good.
When the reality struck me as an adult – it hit me like a TONNE of bricks. I don’t know why but it’s as though I ignored the fact that my mother wasn’t around as a child. I didn’t think anything major of it until that absence struck me much later on.
But then again Who knows? I was only a child so maybe I WAS grieving the way I was expected to…..
As a teenager I was pretty out of control – the word NO meant nothing to me.
I was rebellious and God bless my father for his patience in dealing with me during this period.
Pretty sure , I am responsible for ALL his grey hair.
But let’s let that marinate a bit – Could you imagine being a man , and being left to take care of an 18 month old baby girl for her entire life ? Of course there would be mistakes and trials along the way!

Somehow he did it… and I don’t think I turned out all that bad😚

One word of advice- if you have a daughter/son that has to grow up without a parent , don’t shelter them , don’t hide the fact that they are gone from them… explain to them the situation ; whatever it may be.I know the words will be hard to find & I know you as the parent will also be grieving to… but don’t forget their little hearts in all of it

My little heart was lost , very timid & shy..there were times I doubted my purpose & existence but I feel like I gained a different type of strength through all of it.er

It was never exactly hidden from me, I knew the gist of the situation.

“mommy swallowed something poisonous & slipped in the shower & died” they said

but to me they made it seem like nothing, like it was a ball of dust just swept under the rug.

Hey there :)

First off thank you for checking out my blog

I’ve always secretly dreamed of starting one- but with being a mother of a toddler , & working full time .. it was hard to find the time to develop it the way I wanted…. I decided to just go for it , even if it seems a little incomplete I hope that you will join me on this journey.

This isn’t a page for the faint hearted , this stems from a place of unmeasurable pain & loss , but at some point – we need to use that pain & make it our unique power.

This is my journey of wavering strength….

If you have lost your Mother/Father you’re in the right place, this is just my journey through grief and how I became a mother without having mother of my own.

Our stories will all be different but the pain we feel without them – is the same
You can expect to see a lot more of my personal stories shared here, some sad , some inspirational but all a part of my journey through grief & motherhood.
No motherless mother/daughter is ever alone.

I try to keep my mother’s memory very much alive and this page will surely help me to pool all those memories in one spot and the added bonus is I get to share them with you guys as well

I hope you enjoy

Wishing you all endless love
Ari